The Very Secret Diary of Sirius Black
by Tuathail
Summary: Of love, lies, love, love, love, a troublesome godson, and Remus Lupin. The very secret diary of Sirius Black. Contains (too much) slash.


**The Very Secret Diary Of Sirius Black**

Of love, lies, love, love, and a troublesome godson. In the style of "Bridget Jones' Diary", here is the (very secret, I assure you) diary of Sirius Black. Contains slash, and my very twisted sense of humor. Set during OoTP. This was originally a fanfiction challenge for another fandom (aka, Tamora Pierce) from another forum (aka, the Dancing Dove).

**AN**: Contains slash. A lot of slash. Contains disturbing and perverted contents. If you think you'll be grossed out, don't read. You may flame, but I am going to enjoy laughing at you very much because you obviously can't read warning labels.

_For Bondariana (Kat, BonBon, Prince Charming, Sexy Sweety, etc. etc.) and Siriusly137, because you guys rock._

**)O(**

Day 1

Have been stuck in old house for months. Dumbledore wouldn't let me out of the house. Hate him. Could seduce him easily, but decided not to. Kreacher disobedient in many ways. Bloody house elf.

Day 2

Glad I didn't seduce Dumbledore. Remus much more interesting. 'Playing' with Remus can replace sleep. Saw Kreacher masturbating to picture of mother earlier. V. disturbed, because saw Snape holding same picture before. Wish Harry was here.

Day 5

Was frustrated at Dumbledore; told him to get out of my house and find his own headquarters. Was persuaded to let him stay. Enjoy his method of persuasion very much. Feel exhausted but refreshed. Snape being mean to me again. Wish Harry was here.

Day 8

Remus gone. New weapon nobody would tell me about. Considered threatening Dumbledore again, but am not that desperate. Kreacher found more pictures of mother. Snape still mean. Wish Harry was here.

Day 10

Found out about new weapon. Pfft! Am more important than prophecy any day. Told Snape he doesn't need to always pretend not to like me, for he is still my favourite in bed. He didn't take it so well. Wish Harry was here.

Day 13

Remus still gone. Dumbledore gone too. Snape still pretending to hate me. Harry still not here. Have nothing to live for.

Day 15

Argued with Molly. That woman has a temper so big it could easily start its own Order of the Phoenix. Remus back! Harry still not here.

Day 16

Do not know what the matter is with Remus. Says he 'has more important things to do' and that 'we need to save this for later'. Will use all manners of persuasion. Kreacher found pictures of father. Am truly depressed now.

Day 17

Remus enjoyed methods of persuasion, but still sticking to silly beliefs. Do not understand him at all. Snape gone. Pretended to rejoice; blamed tears on dust bunnies and mites.

Day 18

Harry here!

Later...

Harry does not care for fun. Have nothing to live for.

Even later...

Convinced others to tell Harry what has been happening. Earned good points in his eye. Will attempt to convince him to have fun.

Day 19

Harry still not fun. Had shouting match with Weasley and Granger. Remember fondly back to when I was his age. Recall finding many different conveniences to being an animagus.

Day 21

Harry finally succumbed to fun. Feel v. excited. Harry is more experienced than Dumbledore. Suspect him of practicing on Weasley, and told him so. Was told in return that I "have a sick mind". Do not know what he means.

Day 23

Was almost caught with Harry by Remus. Harry said not to do this anymore. Rejection very kinky. Snape back!

Day 24

Snape fresher than ever. Accused him of practicing, and he made no attempts to deny. Did cleaning. Found old magic dildo, and am very glad magic music box prevented others from seeing it. Would have been v. embarrassed, for dildo is bright pink.

Day 25

Rejection less kinky and more frustrating. Harry shouted more with Weasley and Granger. Voice and energy could be used for more interesting things, in my opinion.

Day 27

Harry leaving soon. Remus gone again. On verge of depression.

Day 29

Molly very good at curing depression. Did more cleaning. Have forgotten how kinky I used to be.

Day 30

Harry left today. Realized that Dumbledore had to leave too. Have nothing to live for.

Day 31

Was reminded by Remus that there's certainly something to live for. Almost kissed house elf in happiness. V. glad I didn't, because house elf has mother germs. And semen…

Day 32-156

Cleaning, and more cleaning. Still not allowed out of house. Building up collection of kinky merchandise. House elf almost as good as me. Must find way to kill elf subtly.

Day 157

Was inspired by mother's collection of old elf heads, but remembered just in time that father used to practice with them. Will resist urge to cut off Kreacher's head.

Day 159

Rejected by Remus because he is 'too busy'. Kreacher laughed. Urge getting harder to resist.

Day 161

House elf insulted me more; is obviously jealous. Told him to get out. Arthur bitten by snake. V. happy because have always been rejected by Arthur.

Day 162

Less happy. Nobody in mood for fun.

Day 163-170

All about Arthur. What about me?

Day 190

Harry, Ron and Hermione must return to Hogwarts. Again. Have discovered how fun Ron and Hermione are. Suspected them of practicing on each other, and they didn't deny it.

Day...something

Dropped behind veil. Will miss Remus dearly.

The Day After Day Something

Replaced in Remus's affections by Snape. Life truly over.

**)O(**


End file.
